Sorry, But…

In the period from mid-October until mid-February, EOS Implementers are immersed in what we call “Annual Season”, the time of year when we lead many of our clients through their Two-Day Annual Planning Sessions. A major component of the Annual Planning Session is working on the health and well-being of the Leadership Team.

It is also a time for me to reflect on the healthy – and less healthy – behaviors I’ve seen over the years I have been an EOS Implementer. I’ve started calling one of these less healthy behaviors the “Sorry But”.

This behavior is particularly poignant for me, because of some important feedback I got from a mentor many years ago. She told me an apology ends with “sorry”, followed by a period. Then silence. It doesn’t end with “sorry” followed by a comma, then “but……….”.

The Sorry But often happens after someone is called out for out-of-bounds behavior. Maybe it’s a disrespectful word or phrase issued during the heat of battle as the team works through an issue or situation. The person who is the object of that comment feels unvalued or disrespected. If that happens on a Leadership Team and isn’t addressed and resolved, it erodes trust across the entire team.

When called out for hurtful behaviors, Sorry Butters often are quick to apologize. At first, it seems like we are hearing a sincere apology that will allow the team to move forward in a healthy way. Until we hear the Sorry But.

It might sound like this: “Yes, sometimes I get emotional and I say things I shouldn’t. I never should have said that in that way. Really, I am working on it and trying to do better. Thank you for calling me out, you are helping me. I’m really sorry. But, the only reason I reacted that way is that you………”

A classic Sorry But.

Ironically, people who issue the most Sorry Buts often consider themselves to be very open and vulnerable. “Listen, I know I’m not perfect”, they say. “I’m always admitting my short-comings, and I’m always quick to apologize for my mistakes.” Except those admissions and apologies aren’t sincere. They are Sorry Buts.

What they don’t realize is that a Sorry But isn’t vulnerability and it isn’t an apology. It is a back-handed justification. And what the recipient of the Sorry But hears is “Sorry, not sorry”.   Rather than helping soothe the original wound, it actually re-opens the wound….and pours in a little salt. And that has a very detrimental effect on Trust across the entire Leadership Team.

Truly vulnerable people learn how to apologize sincerely. As a mentor once told this reformed Sorry Butter many years ago, “Sorry” should be followed by a period. Then silence.